


Not Good As In Not Evil, But Good As In Not Bad

by orphan_account



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Autism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ianto Jones has realizations about his life through the life of his son.Reposted due to accidental deletion of original.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	Not Good As In Not Evil, But Good As In Not Bad

**Author's Note:**

> I was deleting my account like I usually do to start over in a new fandom but I accidentally clicked the wrong thing and deleted all of my works. This is sad because now there are none of your nice comments and kudos and bookmarks. I apologize. I hope this will make up for it.
> 
> Make the representation you want to see in the world.

Kenneth is three years old today. Three years, plus nine months, twelve hours, and four seconds. Approximately. There is no telling precisely when the conception happened, but that is Ianto’s best guess. Jack rounds it to just three years, and Ianto agrees to do the same, because nobody wants to know about Kenneth’s conception or when it happened, even if it is a vital part of his existence. 

Jack is out buying cake. Blue cake. Kenneth likes blue. Ianto gets that. He likes red. Jack likes blue too, but not as much as Kenneth likes it. Nobody likes blue as much as Kenneth does, Ianto is sure of that. So he gets a blue cake today, with blue sprinkles and frosting. 

Ianto watches Kenneth line up his cars. They go from shortest on the left to longest on the right, which Ianto finds to be one of the best ways of lining things up. Kenneth had first started lining them up with all of their back wheels on the same line, but now he is changing it so that their middles all line up. Ianto thinks the first way was better. Seeing the gradual growth between each car, especially when it is so perfectly staggered through a few cars, is good. 

Not _good_ good. _Good_ is the antithesis of evil. Toy cars are not sentient, and therefore not evil, so they cannot be _good_. But good and good are two different things. Good is like okay but better, sometimes. Like great but lesser. The opposite of bad.

He had to explain this to Kenneth today, just five minutes and ten seconds ago, when Jack called to ask if bringing home a light blue cake was good, as opposed to a dark blue cake. Kenneth knows _good_ and evil, because he likes superheroes. But good and bad are feelings. Sometimes Kenneth does not know his feelings. Ianto understands. Feelings can be very confusing. But cake and the color blue are not, and it is apparently good that the cake is light blue, because Ianto had gotten a nod when Ianto explained this to Kenneth.

Now Kenneth rearranges the lining of his cars. Top wheels all line up this time. Ianto still prefers bottom wheels. Not that it matters, Jack is back with the cake.

“Cake!” Jack calls as he shuts the door behind him.

Ianto stands and waits for Kenneth to finish lining up the last of his cars. When he does, Ianto allows him a second before he jumps up and runs to the table. Ianto follows quietly behind him. 

Gwen, Tosh and Owen were supposed to come but there had been a weevil attack down in Splott, so they are there instead, cleaning up after it. Jack would have gone, or Ianto would have, but this is Kenneth’s birthday, and he wants both of his parents here. 

“Wash up,” Jack says to Kenneth as he sets the cake on the table. 

Kenneth obediently stands by the sink. Ianto comes up behind him and lifts him up, letting him settle half of his weight on Ianto’s propped up thigh, half of his weight on the sink’s ledge. Ianto pumps out some soap, rubs it on both of their hands, then washes both sets under the water.

Ianto carries Kenneth to his seat and sets him in it. Jack puts a plate in front of it and offers Kenneth a few choices of plastic children’s forks. As usual, Kenneth ignores the red and green ones and selects the now dingy blue one.

“Okay, soldier,” Jack says. “Ready for cake?”

“Just cut it already,” Ianto tells him.

Jack chuckles and grabs a knife to cut the cake. They sing a quick “Happy Birthday” and then Jack slices the cake, and pulls out a thin one to drop onto Kenneth’s plate. Then he cuts away the frosting, because Kenneth despises the texture of frosting. They leave it on the plate, so that there will still be blue for him to enjoy, even if he does not want to touch it. Jack elects to eat it after Kenneth finishes with the insides of the cake. 

Ianto watches as Kenneth eats. Just over three years ago, that boy had been inside Jack. Ianto had not been sure he could do this. Be a parent. He was certain he would be terrible. But then Kenneth had come out and got through the first two years and Ianto figured out that it was not too bad. It was nothing like the way Gwen had made it sound. Ianto finds he likes it. It means he does not have to put his life on the line on the days he goes into work. He has a real excuse to hide himself away in the archives. 

And Kenneth himself... Kenneth is good. In both terms. He is a good kid who tries his best at life, which is all any parent could ask for. Well... no. Most parents would probably ask for something different than this. Ianto knows that many, many parents would have wished for a different child, or asked for their “real child back” or something like that. That is what the doctor had said anyway, right after she had diagnosed him with autism.

Not that Ianto wants to pride himself on being better parents than everyone else or anything, but he and Jack took the news slightly better. Jack had anyway. Ianto had just been a little confused by the things the doctor had proceeded to say.

“...he may have a hard time reading other people,” she had been saying. “He’ll have to work on learning to read facial expressions.”

Ianto had frowned. “Don’t all kids have to learn that?”

“Well, yes, to a point,” she had said. “But I mean he’ll have to work harder. It won’t come naturally to him. You might have to teach him to understand that a frown can mean frustration, disappointment, or confusion. Stuff like that.”

Ianto had still been confused, and stood by his previous question. That was normal. All kids had to train themselves how to do that, right? Ianto certainly had. Smile with Crinkled Eyes meant Happy. Frown with Small Lip Downturn meant Disappointed. Slight Frown meant Confused. Bigger Frown meant Angry. He had watched his mother and father and sister, and all the people he met, make those faces every day, and he had to make himself understand it, or his father would have shouted again when he did not get it right.

He opened his mouth to tell the doctor this, but he felt Jack’s hand on his back. He looked to Jack and received a quick shake of the head. He had worked hard to understand what that one meant too. He still does not understand it to this day, but it usually meant “stop talking” or “not now” or something like that, so Ianto had not said anything more.

That had been exactly three weeks ago. Owen is still pleased that he was right in sending them to a pediatrician to get this figured out, but Ianto does not get it. All of the things the doctor had said had sounded normal to him. 

“I want another opinion,” Ianto had told him yesterday.

“Why?” Owen asked. “As far as I know, she was right.”

“She can’t be,” Ianto said. “I mean, all kids are like this, right? He’s normal.”

Owen looked at him. Ianto gave a Slight Frown at that face Owen gave him, but Owen just sighed.

“Of course you’d think that,” Owen said. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Owen shook his head and returned to his hoix corpse.

Right now Ianto is still wearing his Slight Frown as he watches Jack devour the frosting Kenneth has not eaten. He had spent the past three weeks thinking about what the doctor had said, and yesterday made him wonder even more. So after Jack had left to get the cake and before he called to ask if it was all right to bring back light blue cake, Ianto had called the doctor again to ask her just exactly how his son was not as normal as Ianto is certain he is.

“Oh right. Kenneth’s father,” she had said after Ianto introduced himself.

“Yes.”

“Your husband said you might call,” she said. 

“He did?” Ianto had asked. 

“Yes. He was quite certain of it.”

Ianto had paused for a moment to wonder why, then had pushed onward and asked her his question. She had essentially told him the same thing she had told them three weeks ago, and he still did not understand. So she gave him an example of non neurotypical behavior. A meltdown.

“But those are just tantrums,” Ianto said.

“Not quite,” she told him.

She started explaining to him that a meltdown was just reacting to too much stimuli and things like that. Ianto did not get it. That was just a tantrum, right? That was what his father had called them, when Ianto had used to react like that to things like the T.V. being way too loud and way too much. He told her as much and she had gotten really quiet for twenty three seconds.

“Look,” she said. “Maybe this would be better if we talked in person. I think there’s a lot we need to talk about, and I only have so much time before my next appointment shows up.”

“Then just tell me as fast as you can, please,” he said, because he was desperate to know right now.

She sighed. He pulled the phone away from his ear. It always vibrated weird over the line when people sighed in the phone. Made his eardrums tingle in a way that hurt. 

“All right,” she says when he puts the phone back to his ear. “Here’s a basic rundown...” 

Then she quickly gave him a list to review.

Ianto takes a glance over to Jack. He is busy storing the cake away in the refrigerator and talking. Ianto thinks he is talking to Kenneth, but a quick glance over at Kenneth makes him decide that maybe Jack is just talking to talk. Jack does that sometimes. Ianto figures he has the time to review the list now. He needs to review it now. 

So he reviews it.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input



This one has multiple categories under it for the senses. Ianto decides to review them as separate.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. High sensitivity to touch



Ianto figures this one is easy. The frosting for example. Jack had fed Kenneth some frosting back when Gwen’s Wynne turned four five months ago. Kenneth had hated it and thrown a... meltdown. Apparently it was a meltdown if he is to believe this doctor. Which he does not, not yet. That is why he was reviewing. But for now he can call it a meltdown, just for the sake of ease.

Ianto does not know exactly why frosting bothers Kenneth. Or mashed foods for that matter. Soft and squishy Kenneth does not like at all. Well... maybe Ianto can understand that. It is like that one time where slime got all over him when Owen accidentally exploded an alien right next to him. It had gotten everywhere and it was bad. Bad bad bad. Ianto does not want to think about it.

He thinks about other bad, bad feelings. Wool. Cold, soft foods like ice cream. More slimy things. Sticky things. Wet clothes. Especially wet clothes. He wants to scream any time he washes his hands and the edges of his sleeves get wet and stick to his skin. Sometimes when he knows people are not around, he does. Once when he was little he had fallen into a puddle and he screamed and screamed until he was home, where his mother had pulled his clothes off and rubbed him dry until the clingy feeling was gone from his body and his mind. Ianto does not like to think about that feeling either.

He stops thinking about the bad, bad feelings, because they make him feel a little bad now. He thinks about the good feelings instead. Hyper sensitive feelings must go both ways right?

He likes the feel of Jack’s skin. It is very smooth. Jack says that they have little body hair in the fifty first century. Ianto likes running his hands up and down Jack’s smooth back. Sometimes he even likes to feel Jack’s hair, because it is spiky. Ianto likes spiky, but only when it is not painfully spiky. But sometimes Jack puts too much gel in it and it feels too stiff and sticky. Sticky is a lot like clingy and Ianto does not like that at all so he mainly does not touch Jack’s hair, just in case. But anyway Ianto just mainly likes smooth things. They have a marble counter that Ianto moves his hands over every time he stands at it. Fingernails are also smooth and sometimes Ianto drags his thumbnail against his lips. Kenneth seems to like smooth things too, Ianto thinks, but this has yet to be further tested.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. ~~High sensitivity to touch~~
    2. High sensitivity to scents



Ianto knows this one right away. Kenneth hates grass. He hates the feel of it too, but he mostly hates the smell. This makes cutting the grass very difficult. They have to shower right away if they cut the grass and they have to make sure Kenneth is nowhere near the doors or windows. 

Other things on Kenneth’s list of bad smells are broccoli both cooked and uncooked, cinnamon, unfortunately bacon and curry, and possibly the smell of Tosh’s house. It had either been the smell of the house or the fact that it was the new place, but Ianto suspects both. Tosh’s house smelled like the oils and perfumes that she uses to destress sometimes. It hurts Ianto’s nose when he visits, and it must have hurt Kenneth’s too.

Ianto does not know what smells Kenneth does like. The closest he can get is cookies, but that just might be because Kenneth is a kid and all kids like cookies. But Kenneth has not made any understandable preference to any smells yet. If he was older, Ianto might guess Jack might be a smell he likes. Or maybe not. Jack says that his smell is pheromones, and so Kenneth might never smell that. In any case Ianto likes Jack’s smell. He is supposed to, because he loves Jack and finds him attractive, but it is also just a very calming smell, like that cranberry hand soap they have in the bathroom. Or the apple scented lotion Jack uses. But Jack’s smell is even better, because when Ianto is feeling overwhelmed, Jack’s smell can stop all the other smells. It is not because it is overpowering. It does not overpower anything. It just somehow dulls everything else. Jack says that it is supposed to work that way. Ianto is glad. But he is less glad that no matter what, it never covers up the smell of lavender. 

Lavender is the worst smell of all. It is so bad and awful that Ianto wants to plug his nose now. Jack accidentally brought some home once, back when they still lived in Ianto’s apartment. Not on purpose. He had meant to gift it along with some other plants to Tosh on her birthday, to use for her oils. But he had hidden it in Ianto’s kitchen. Ianto had taken one step in the flat, had smelt it, and had run right out because it was too much. Jack had gotten rid of it right away, but Ianto refused to go back inside until he knew the smell was gone. Jack had gone back in to open some windows, and then had taken Ianto back to the hub. He stayed there for two nights until he decided it was okay to go back.

Ianto decides he will never let Kenneth go anywhere near lavender, even if it kills him.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. ~~High sensitivity to touch~~
    2. ~~High sensitivity to scents~~
    3. High sensitivity to sights



Ianto does not understand what she meant at first, but then realizes that maybe she meant things like lights. Ianto glances up at the lights. They are always dim. That is because Ianto likes the dim lighting, not because they have tested brighter lights on Kenneth. The only time he sees bright lights are when they go new places, and his meltdowns might just be because of the new places again. But it could still be the lights. They do not know and Ianto will not let anyone test it. Ianto does not allow Jack turn the dim lights any brighter. Jack is okay with this because Jack also likes the dark.

And maybe she means colors too. Kenneth likes blue but hates green. Ianto agrees with that. Green and yellow are not good colors. They can be the brightest of all the colors, and it has already been said how much Ianto likes dim things to bright ones. That is why he likes red. As bright as red gets, it never gets to bright. It does not make him want to blink his eyes out when people use it on their walls or houses or in lights. He likes pink too, but only soft ones that do not get bright. Kenneth does not, so he has stopped wearing it. He wears more purples and blues instead of pink. And always red.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. ~~High sensitivity to touch~~
    2. ~~High sensitivity to scents~~
    3. ~~High sensitivity to sights~~
    4. High sensitivity to taste



Broccoli. It goes with the smell. Kenneth does not like broccoli. Or carrots. And it is possible that his aversion to frosting is because of the sweetness, not the texture. But he loves sour things. Ianto thinks that is really weird. He does not like sour things at all. Or mint. Mint hurts, because it is cold and because it just tastes bad. But mostly because it is cold. 

Ianto does not want to think about taste anymore. He can still feel the way mint makes his mouth feel. He hates it when he accidentally switches toothpaste with Jack, because Jack likes mint. Ianto needs a neutral flavored toothpaste or else his mouth hurts until the next morning and he cannot sleep at all.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. ~~High sensitivity to touch~~
    2. ~~High sensitivity to scents~~
    3. ~~High sensitivity to sights~~
    4. ~~High sensitivity to taste~~
    5. High sensitivity to sounds.



This one makes the most sense. Loud things are loud and bad. Everyone knows that. At least Ianto is sure everyone knows that.

Ianto is not sure if certain sounds set Kenneth off. It is mostly just the overabundance or volume of them that Kenneth does not like. Jack bought some noise canceling headphones for Kenneth. Kenneth likes wearing them. Ianto cannot blame him, not when there are always noises in the background like the refrigerator or the air circulation or the sound of computers working hard or the sound of Tosh’s clicking on her keyboard or the way Gwen sometimes taps her heel too much or how much Owen stomps his feet when he walks or the sounds of a big crowd and the noises over telephones or Jack’s breathing sometimes... 

Ianto takes in a slow breath to try to relax himself. Sounds are the worst things. Sometimes it is even just a voice that can stress Ianto out. If it is loud and there is already too much noise, then Tosh and Owen’s voices can make his brain want to stop. Jack’s voice does that too, because Jack is the loudest of them all and his voice takes up so much room in Ianto’s head. Jack can be quiet and make his voice gentle, but it is just best if he does not talk. Gwen’s voice is the best, because it is the one that is most familiar. Not only does it not have an abrasive nonWelsh accent, but she sort of sounds like Ianto’s mother did when she was alive. It is really soothing. He wants her to sing to him in Welsh sometimes. He only asked her the once. It was good. He should ask her to do it more. He does not know how. He should ask Jack how to ask Gwen to sing to him.

But otherwise, noises are overall just awful. Sometimes he even has to stop what he is doing and escape, down to the archives. And then he screams to get it all out of his head. 

Yeah. Noise is the worst.

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. Communication difficulties



There are also categories for this one, but this time, Ianto reviews them together because some fit together. 

This one they had gone over back at the doctor’s office. They had already discussed the limits of Kenneth’s apparent speech, which Ianto has to admit is a little different. Ianto does not remember what he talked like when he was that age, so he has no frame of reference to himself, but Gwen’s Wynne did start saying when she was a few months over a year, so maybe this one is an issue. And that makes socialization a bit difficult to judge too, because he does not talk to anyone, much less new people. But new people do tend to be a bit too much for Kenneth, Ianto notes. Unsurprising. Who would not be overwhelmed by the complete and utter newness of someone? That is so, so much to deal with.

However, this also incorporates the facial expressions the doctor was talking about, and Ianto is still quite certain that all kids have to work very hard to teach themselves about it. He had to do it. 

And that goes for things like metaphors and sarcasm. The doctor said that those things, like facial expressions, would also be very hard to pick up on. Ianto also wants to think that this is completely normal, for it to be almost impossible. When Ianto learned things like that, it was like learning a whole different language. Harder than that, actually. Ianto had learned French in two months and German in one, but it had taken him forever to learn how to understand sarcasm, and even longer to learn how to really use it. Now that he does, he uses it all the time. It is fun to use. It is like a joke that took forever to understand. Also it is helpful to use when he does not understand some things. If he uses enough sarcasm, people will just forget that the conversation is going over his head, because then they just get annoyed and stop talking. Works in multiple ways.

Okay maybe he is starting to review his position on this one. He will come back to it for further evaluation.

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. ~~Communication difficulties~~
  3. Repetition



Ianto did not get a chance to ask her about this one, but he had wanted to. Did she mean repetition of movement? If so, then maybe. Kenneth likes lining things up over and over. And stacking things. Rocking and swaying. That is all he can think of without knowing more of the parameters to this particular indicator. 

He decides to call her later to ask.

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. ~~Communication difficulties~~
  3. ~~Repetition~~
  4. Routine



Ianto could not be sure about this one. It is just that Kenneth has a routine because Ianto has a routine. Everyone in the Harkness-Jones household has Ianto’s routine. Things go very, very wrong if they did not. Jack sometimes breaks the routine, but Jack’s breakage of routine is written into the routine because Ianto knows Jack well enough to know that breakages of routine are going to happen with him. Ianto likes to know when they are coming, and he never does, which is not good and is actually bad, but it makes it better to know that they were at one point planned upon. Kenneth, on the other hand, does not know that Jack’s breakages of routine are planned upon, so he deals with them a lot worse than Ianto does. Kenneth hates it very much when Jack breaks routine even a little. 

All right. Maybe Ianto could be sure. 

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. ~~Communication difficulties~~
  3. ~~Repetition~~
  4. ~~Routine~~
  5. Narrowed, interests



Easy to spot with Kenneth. Transportation. Any kind of transportation, and Kenneth is very keen on knowing about it.

It had started with cars. Ianto remembers this because they were getting in the car and Ianto started telling him all the things that Ianto could think of to tell him about cars, and Kenneth was listening intently, which was weird because Kenneth generally likes to look other places and seem like he is not listening when he actually is. But this time, Kenneth’s eyes were focused on Ianto. So Ianto bought him some toy cars and that was the start.

Jack started telling him about airplanes when he learned about this. Ianto thought that they would not interest Kenneth as much as cars, but this ended up not being the case. So Ianto took it upon himself to learn a little bit about trains to teach Kenneth about that. Ianto found that to be dull, because he does not like trains much himself. Nor does he like superheroes, which he also had to learn about for Kenneth. He likes books. And action films. And Wales.

Books are the best things, Ianto had decided long ago. Reading them is fun, yes, very fun, but the books themselves are the most wonderful things he can think of. They make no noise, except for a soothing flipping noise if he runs the fingers through his fingers very fast. Which feels great, because pages are smooth on the sides when they flip through your fingers. And smooth on the insides, with just a little bit of texture sometimes. Normally, he does not like the added texture, but he does on books. And they have a very subtle smell that is very good. Yes. Books are the best. He wanted to become a librarian, both so he could always work somewhere quiet where he did not have to talk to so many people, but also because there were so many books he could be around, to touch and smell and just be with. And putting books in a specific order sounded very great. Now he works in the archives in the hub, which is almost the same, except there are no books. Not as good, but still good. And a little bit _good_ too, because he is saving the world one file at a time. That is his job.

It is also his job to know everything, but he knows most things about action films. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Mission Impossible, James Bond... Ianto knows everything about that. He also knows about superheroes, because of Kenneth and because he knows everything, but he does not feel as excited about those as he does about action films. Those are great. But sometimes there is too much happening in them and he cannot tolerate them. Like the Matrix. Or Jason Bourne. 

Also, he knows everything about Wales. And that is because he is a Welshman. But also because he likes knowing about Wales. They have a dragon on their flag, which is great. But they also have the Brecon Beacons, which is not great at all. 

Ianto sits up very straight and tries not to think about that. He moves to the next point on his list before he wants to scream.

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. ~~Communication difficulties~~
  3. ~~Repetition~~
  4. ~~Routine~~
  5. ~~Narrowed, intense interests~~
  6. Refusal of eye contact



To tell the truth, Ianto does not know very much about this one. He has never bothered to check. Why would he force that on his son when he himself despises it? That is just ridiculous. Ianto can make eye contact with other people, because he has worked very hard to make these expectations, but he does not with Kenneth, not when it is clearly not expected of him to. Why would anyone eye contact anyway? It is so draining and exhausting, and just plain strange and outlandish with people he does not know.

So he does not know if Kenneth makes eye contact or not, because he never checked. He will have to ask Jack about it later.

  1. ~~High sensitivity to sensory input~~
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. ~~Communication difficulties~~
  3. ~~Repetition~~
  4. ~~Routine~~
  5. ~~Narrowed, intense interests~~
  6. ~~Refusal of eye contact~~
  7. Aversion to touch



This one is different from sensitivity to touch, because this is not about texture. This is about people and hugs and cuddles. Ianto thinks a little on this one. Kenneth only likes to be held by Jack and Ianto, but this might be due to shyness. Ianto certainly does not like to be touched by anyone but Jack. Maybe Tosh or Gwen, depending if he is the one to initiate it, but never Owen, because Owen only ever touches him when Owen is doing medical things to him, and Ianto does not want to think about medical things at all. So nothing from Owen. And absolutely nothing from anyone else. He does not know those people, why would he want them to touch him? 

Then he thinks harder and he realizes that Kenneth only likes it when they touch him when he wants them to. Ianto never really touches him except for when he needs to or when Kenneth wants to, so he does not think about that until now, just as Jack lifts him up to set him on the ground. Jack likes touch always. No restrictions on it really, at least not for Ianto. But Ianto thinks that he is a little more like Kenneth than Jack, because Ianto does have restrictions on what and when and how to be touched. He wants it when he wants it, no more and no less. 

Of course Jack knows that. Jack once told him that in his time it is mandatory to take a class on touching. How to touch and be touched. When to touch. Why to touch. What to touch. Ianto thinks this would be a useful class for this time, and for him, because he would very much like to know these things. But it is good that Jack knows them and can figure out when Ianto and Kenneth do and do not want to be touched, and that is good because sometimes Ianto’s brain just stops working when someone touches him when he does not want it. Especially when there is too much noise. Then he really has to go down to the archives to have a good scream or cry until his brain is working right again. 

Ianto stops for a moment. He pulls up the list again.

  1. High sensitivity to sensory input 
    1. High sensitivity to touch 
    2. High sensitivity to scents
    3. High sensitivity to sights
    4. High sensitivity to taste
    5. High sensitivity to sounds
  2. Communication difficulties
  3. Repetition
  4. Routine
  5. Narrowed, intense interests
  6. Refusal of eye contact
  7. Aversion to touch



The doctor said there was more on the list, and that she would be happy to go over the rest of it later when she had more time, but Ianto realizes right now that this is enough. 

He reviews the list and can only come to one conclusion.

“Ianto? Hey. Ianto.”

Ianto looks up at Jack. 

“You kinda froze on me there,” Jack says with a smile. “Are you okay?”

Ianto does not want to lie. But he knows how to. He learned that with sarcasm. So he nods.

“Okay,” Jack says. “It’s getting late.”

Ianto glances at the clock. Two minutes until Kenneth’s time to be put to bed. Ianto stands to help clear the table and realizes it is already clean. 

“I cleaned up,” Jack says when Ianto tries to look where the plates have gone. 

“Well, that makes for a change.” 

Jack smiles. “Hey. I do the dishes!”

See? Sarcasm. It works. He is fluent in it now. 

“Okay, bed,” Ianto says the moment the clock changes to the right time.

They get Kenneth ready for bed together, because Kenneth likes it best if they are both there. Ianto gets out the pajamas and Jack goes and gets Kenneth to the bathroom for last minute pottying and brushing teeth. Then they come back and help Kenneth into the pajamas together and they say goodnight. Sometimes they sing it, but Kenneth does not appear to be in the mood to listen to singing tonight, so they just say it. Then they slowly dim the lights to nothing and step out.

Jack and Ianto sit out for a while longer until it is an appropriate time for them to go to bed too. Ianto sits very still because Jack is reading, but his fingers tap against the arm of the couch. His whole fingers, not his finger tips. When he taps with his whole fingers there is a heavier feeling than finger tips, even if finger tips are bouncier. He watches Jack read out of the corner of his eye.

Eventually Jack shuts his book and Ianto gets up to go to bed. Jack follows him to the bedroom, where they put on pajamas, because they have to wear pajamas as parents, even though smooth skin feels nicer than rough pajamas. Then they go to the bathroom, where Ianto makes double sure that this is his toothpaste before beginning to brush his teeth. Jack brushes his teeth beside him. And then it is time to get in bed, where they will both pretend to sleep, even though neither of them can just yet.

Jack slides into the bed. Ianto does not join him. He stands at the edge of the bed for a moment, wondering how to say what he wants. Jack sits back up.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jack asks. He makes the Eyebrows Pulled Together in a Not Frown, which means Concerned. 

“I...” 

Ianto shakes his head. He still does not know how to say it. 

Jack waits patiently. Of course he does. Jack is a good listener. People seem to think he is not, because they see him and think that all Jack does is talk and talk, and take and take. But that is not Jack. Jack is not just a talker and he is a very generous husband. He lets Ianto tell him everything about the archives, and not just because he is Ianto’s boss. He wants to hear it when Ianto tells him about how he filed the expense report in record time. And he never tells Ianto to stop talking when Ianto tells him about James Bond, which is good and _good_. Also everyone seems to think that all Jack thinks about is sex, which is not true. Sure he likes sex, even more than Ianto does, but he also likes other things. And Ianto loves him for that. 

“Kenneth,” Ianto says eventually, when he realizes what he wants to say.

“What about him?” Jack asks.

“I’m...” 

He takes a deep breath and looks at the bed.

“I’m like him,” he says.

Jack does not say anything. Ianto looks back up at him after a while, when the silence becomes too long for Jack’s usual response time. Jack is looking at him with a Blank Face. Ianto does not understand that face on Jack. It means so many things that Ianto cannot even begin to decipher. So he waits for Jack to say something.

Jack still does not respond, but he holds out a hand, inviting Ianto to come closer. More like offering really, telling Ianto that Jack is willing for anything Ianto allows. Ianto sits down on the bed beside him and lets Jack take his hand.

“You called the doctor,” Jack says quietly. He does not phrase it like a question. 

Ianto nods. “How did you know?”

“She called me right after you called her. She suspected you might want to set up another appointment.” Jack watches him carefully. “Do you?”

Ianto looks down at their hands. He does not know. He needs to know what Jack thinks first. 

“Am I?” 

“Huh?”

“Am I?” Ianto repeats, glancing back up. “Like him?”

Jack is silent again, but he lets out a long, quiet sigh.

“It’s more like he’s like you,” he says after a moment. 

Ianto waits to process this, because Jack keeps talking.

“I mean. We can’t be sure. Not truly,” he continues. “But we’ve guessed.”

“We?” Ianto asks, sticking to one topic at a time.

“Me and Owen, mainly,” Jack says. “But it’s been in your records for a while. All your superiors wrote about it back at London. Even Yvonne.”

“How?” 

“How did they know?” Jack asks.

Ianto nods.

“Well...” Jack looks Uncomfortable for a moment, with his very slight Grimace. “It’s easy to know when people are different from you.”

For a while, Ianto just sits. Jack lets him. 

“Why didn’t I know?” Ianto asks after a long time.

Jack shrugs. “Lack of enlightenment. You spent your whole life thinking it was normal.”

“And it’s not.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say... look, normal’s a bad word. Forget normal. I’m sorry I said it. Just.” Jack sighs again. “You never got the chance to learn about yourself in the context of being you."

“Nobody told me,” Ianto says.

“No.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

Jack takes a bit longer before repeating, “No.”

“But you knew.”

“I speculated,” Jack fixes. 

“And?”

“I don’t know,” Jack says. “I guess I just wanted... I don’t know what I wanted.” 

Ianto is silent again.

“Are you okay?” Jack asks when the silence goes on for a long time.

“I... have autism,” Ianto says slowly.

“Yes,” Jack says. “Probably.”

Ianto nods. “Okay.”

“Do you want an official diagnosis? The pediatrician said she could recommend you to someone who could give you one.”

“I don’t know,” Ianto says. 

“That’s okay. You don’t need one if you don’t want one.”

Then he sits still again. This time Jack gets up to turn off the lights. He gets back under the covers and in the dark, Ianto sees his offer to hold Ianto close, should Ianto want that.

“You knew,” Ianto says again.

“Yes.”

“And... you love me.”

“Yes, I love you,” Jack says. “Nothing in the world would change that, and especially not this. This is you, Ianto. And I love you for you.”

Ianto studies him for a second, then nods and curls in close to Jack. He wishes the pajamas were off so that he could feel Jack’s smooth skin. 

And yet his world felt a little lighter in that moment. He did not know why it is so good to feel like he is finally fitting the last piece together, especially when he had not known that piece was missing before now. But it is good. Very good. Not _good_ , because he had not been evil, but good, because it was better than before, and before had been bad, with not knowing.

“But no, he’s not like you, and you’re not like him,” Jack whispers after a while.

Ianto moves his ear away from Jack’s mouth. He does not like the feel of whispers, because it feels like a rattly breath and that feels bad, or the sound of them, because it grates on Ianto's eardrums.

“You’re different people, with different lives and different needs,” Jack says. He is still quiet, but thankfully no longer whispering. “But if he grows up to be anything like you, I’ll be a happy dad. And a happy husband. Because I love you both very much.”

“I love you,” Ianto says.

Jack kisses his head and Ianto closes his eyes. 

Good.


End file.
